For those who’ve spent much of their lives in survival mode, genuine kindness can feel disorienting. While others may find warmth in a gentle word or caring gesture, trauma survivors often feel anxious or skeptical when shown kindness. When someone offers genuine kindness, your instinct might be to push it away. Kindness can stir up old wounds, especially if you were hurt by those who were supposed to care for you. You might think, “Why would someone be kind to me? What do they want?” Or, even more painfully, “I don’t deserve kindness.” But you absolutely do.
Relational trauma shapes how we see ourselves and the world. It can make us believe we’re unworthy, undeserving, or incapable of being loved. These beliefs can become so strong that they feel like facts. But they’re not—they’re coping strategies.
Imagine spending years bracing yourself for the next hurtful word, the next conflict, or the next disappointment. When pain becomes the default experience, we develop coping strategies to survive, like building emotional walls or having a heightened sense of caution. These protective behaviors are natural responses to trauma, and they help shield us from harm. There’s a good reason for their existence. But they also create distance from others—even those who mean well.
Learning to Accept Kindness Gradually
If kindness feels unbearable, it’s okay to take it slow. Healing from trauma is not about forcing yourself into situations that feel unsafe. It’s about gently reintroducing yourself to the possibility of safety and trust, one step at a time. And with time and the right support, they can change.
Recognizing this voice of trauma is a first step. The next time you feel yourself shying away from someone’s kindness, pause. Ask yourself, “What am I really afraid of here?” Accepting kindness means allowing ourselves to be seen, and that’s a scary step for anyone, especially those with a history of pain. But it can also be a pathway to real connection and healing.
We can take the uncomfortable feeling and choose to not judge it. If someone’s kindness feels uncomfortable, try not to judge yourself for it. Recognize that hesitancy as a defense mechanism, not as fact. Trauma rewires the brain, and relearning safety takes time. Practicing self-compassion can help you soften the harsh inner voice that says you don’t deserve love. Small acts of kindness toward yourself—a few minutes of rest, setting a boundary, or even allowing yourself to feel—can slowly help you rebuild your sense of worth.
Then, notice and appreciate the small, everyday kindnesses that might come your way: a smile from a stranger, a compliment from a friend, or a caring gesture from a loved one. Rather than pushing these moments aside, try to pause and acknowledge them. Even if they feel strange, these small interactions can help you practice receiving kindness in manageable doses.
The Power of Connection
Building healthy relationships is a critical part of healing. Supportive connections offer new experiences, challenging trauma-based beliefs about worth and belonging. These relationships can help you start to see yourself as someone worthy of love and respect, making kindness feel not only bearable but welcome.
If kindness feels unbearable right now, know that you’re not alone—and that this feeling doesn’t have to be permanent. Trauma can feel isolating, making it seem like no one else could understand the depths of your pain. But you don’t have to choose isolation. Finding a trauma-informed therapist who understands this can offer a softer approach, allowing you to explore your experiences in a safe, nonjudgmental space. Over time, kindness can transform from something to guard against into a gift that bridges past pain with present safety and self-acceptance.
The world may have shown you pain, but it also holds a place of compassion, belonging, and warmth for you. You deserve kindness—not just from others, but from yourself. Embracing it may feel like the hardest step, but it opens the door to a life rooted in warmth and self-worth.
Ciao for now,
David Byers, AMFT 147942