
Sometimes it’s easier to fight about anything else than face the pain and embarrassment of our own shame. Some issues we hope will just fade away if ignored. Yet, inevitably, something as small as an unwashed coffee cup or an unplanned purchase can set off alarms. Before we know it, we're caught in an argument, wondering how we ended up fighting about something so trivial. Most arguments between couples aren't really about the finances or the dishes—they're about something deeper, often something we don’t want to face.
The Art of Argument as a Defense
Arguments, especially recurring ones, can be oddly comforting. They’re familiar, they’re rehearsed, we know the lines, and best of all, they keep us away from the painful truths buzzing beneath the surface. It may sound exhausting, but it’s probably easier to bicker about logistics than to acknowledge, “I feel unimportant to you.” Often, what we’re avoiding is a reflection of our own fears, insecurities, or unspoken shame. And let me tell you, shame does not want to be seen.
Starting an argument in response to uncomfortable feelings is actually a clever defense strategy. Instead of facing the painful feeling of not being good enough, we get an opportunity to focus on anything else. Deflection through conflict lets us avoid what’s hurting us, at least temporarily.
Why the Truth Feels So Hard to Face
What makes telling the truth feel so vulnerable in a relationship? It introduces the tension of potential conflict and stirs up fear—fear that we’ll be judged, misunderstood, or even rejected. For some, past experiences of betrayal, abandonment, or hurt can heighten fears around honesty. According to attachment theory, people who have had inconsistent or traumatic relationships may develop anxious or avoidant patterns, making truth-telling feel like a high-stakes gamble with their emotional safety. Admitting our insecurities might feel like handing over ammunition, leaving us exposed to criticism or, worse yet, confirming our own deepest fears. So, rather than laying it bare, we react to something smaller, redirecting our anxiety into anger or frustration. It's a more manageable emotion, one that doesn’t require us to go deep.
The irony is that avoiding the truth weakens the foundation of a relationship. While avoiding difficult conversations might provide temporary comfort, it ultimately leads to resentment, misunderstandings, and a sense of isolation. Our partners can sense when something’s up, even if they can’t pinpoint the reason. Each time we dodge vulnerability, we miss an opportunity to grow closer. Facing the truth doesn’t mean dumping every raw feeling onto our partners without forethought. Rather, it’s more like embracing honesty in a way that fortifies rather than weakens.
So, How Do We Stop Deflecting?
To move beyond arguments that avoid the real issues, cultivate an awareness of your own triggers. Next time you feel the urge to pick a fight, pause and ask yourself: What am I really feeling here? Am I hurt, scared, or insecure? And then ask yourself why you’re reluctant to share that feeling directly. Developing this awareness takes time and patience. It’s a kind of relationship workout: uncomfortable at first, but strengthening in the long run.
It’s also essential to create an environment where both partners feel safe enough to share their vulnerabilities. This means practicing empathy, listening without jumping to conclusions, and avoiding the impulse to “fix” each other’s feelings. By fostering a space where honesty is met with compassion, we create a foundation strong enough to hold even the heaviest truths.
In the end, facing the truth in a relationship takes courage and trust. We are choosing to be seen, even when we fear what our partners might see. We resist the impulse to fight over the small things when the big things need addressing. And most importantly, we begin to accept that the only way to deepen our connections is to one day feel safe enough to not need those defenses and embrace the vulnerability that real intimacy requires. Only then can we form new solutions to our old relationship problems.
Ciao for now,
David Byers, AMFT 147942